If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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