he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
did you just send me my own nude
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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