Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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