I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
