I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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