i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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