oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
