you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
