if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
