I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize