I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
please come you make the beer taste better
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
