i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
