so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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