I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
