my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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