I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
