I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
