The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
