Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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