im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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