If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
