I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
