just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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