Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I am available for nakedness
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
