Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
