I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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