drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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