if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
