ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Panties = found
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
