I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize