I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
