I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
