Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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