the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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