I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think i got beer on your cat.
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