My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
