the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
