I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
