I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
