I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
