Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
