my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Are my feet made of real feet?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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