he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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