Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
that's an acceptable place to lick
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
