we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
