i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
