In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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