i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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