no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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