last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
