Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
