Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
