I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
