Don't make out with my wife yet
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
