its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
