I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
