I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize