Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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