he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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