Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
