Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
