even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
