...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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