barbara walters just said penis...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
