dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
