Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
