literally had 100 drinks last night.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
