I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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