I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
