i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
two words: eviction party
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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